November 25, 2002

• Duly Noted: About >20% of one's coworkers who are responsible for appx <92.7% of staggering workloads created by the miasmas of conflict and incompetance that roll off of them in clouds. These dangerously self-important motherfuckers should be publically flogged as an explicit warning to the up-and-comers.

  
  

  The other 78% of one's coworkers--the ones who don't have any real purpose but occasionally bring snacks and generally refrain from regaling you with their latest work-romance drama--are insipid, certainly...but Hey, Man--someone's gotta plan the office X-mas party...and sponsor the office needy family...and chronical every freaking childbirth/anniversary/wart-removal for en mass email publication (rife with grotesquesly primitive clipart) in the 'weekly happenings' newsletter...

  
  

  If you're doin' the math, that leaves a whopping <2% of marginally likeable coworkers in the old office pool. Of course, these folks are equally swamped and despondant--so actually catching any hangtime between your insane schedule and theirs is a laughable folly. This is the Land of the Lost...A land where Friday signals "only two more working days til Monday" and you look forward to the weekend--so you can work in your sweats...

  
  

  Hell--I'm just cranky cause my quince jelly didn't gel Quince Jelly

  
  

  On the up side...each and every one of my lids sealed tight with a satisfying 'sssssnnnnick!'

  
  

  Siiigh...I could just concede defeat and pretend I really wanted to make Quince syrup (no-I do not know what for...icecream, perhaps? lambchops?)...But my naturally perverse and stubborn streak is not falling for that little taint of revisionism. This was a JELLY MAKING exercise, Dammit! And Jelly we shall have.

  
  

  Enter the Patron Saints of the hapless 'back to basics' citygirl--the mid-western and north-eastern University Extension Websites (any of 'em--and they are legion--trust me on this)...

  
  

  What the authors sometimes lack in detail (How the fuck am *I* supposed to know which of the thirty things that could go wrong with saurkraut actually *caused* the biological weapons depot in my basement?! Dammit, people--work with me here) they make up for in warm, home-economically charged hopeful rhetoric...There is no ultimate failure skulking through those hallowed servers...Only a mild clucking of tongues and an abundant optimism that you, too, are capable of putting up food without later populating entire hospital wards...

  
  

  Case in point: Domestic Goddesses of North Dakota

  
  

  I am counting on the cyber fairy godmothers of NDSU to get me through this bad jelly scenario...We'll see. The aformentioned optimism of the Heartland is often matched by the short attention span and impatience of yours truly. Bad jelly karma, that.

  
  

  Of course--not attempting to multitask computational chores in MSProject while simultaneously 'constantly stirring'/'precisely timing' boiling fruit and sugar would likely go a long way to success in the jelly department... Hey, man...only so many hours in the day, and for the time being, the evil overlords keep sending $$...every two weeks like clockwork...Bam. And whilst they giveth with the one hand, they idly point in the general direction of the weeping, teeth-gnashing recently out-on-their ass pink-slippers. "So good to see your utilization up. Hope that trend continues", they chirp..."We'd hate to see you go", they purr.

  
  

  Point taken, oh subtle ones...but while we're on the subject, could you have at least made a point to cut loose some of the toadying slackers who don't actually do anything? Or did the memo read, "In furtherance of our advanced field stress-tests, be prepared to chart subject's reactions as you fire 2/3rds of her project team but retain that one human paperweight who constantly overbills and calls in for mental health reasons the morning of client reviews"?...Just asking...

  • 5:51 am
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